love

Taken from:

Stephen R. Covey. 7 Habits. Free Press, 1989. Page. 79

At one seminar when I was speaking of the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said,

"Stephen, I like what you are saying. But every situation is different. Look at my marriage. I'm really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feeling of each other we use to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?"

"The feeling isn't there anymore?" I asked.

"That's right," he reaffirmed. "And we have three children we really concerned about. What do you suggest?"

"Love her," I replied.

"I told you, the feeling isn't there anymore."

"Love her."

"You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there."

"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."

"But how do you love when you don't love?"

"My friend, love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Emphatize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"

Only reactive people make it a feeling, and they are driven by it. Hollywood has led us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But Hollywood version doesn't describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions then we've given up responsibility and empowered them to do so.

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifice you make, the giving of self, like mother bringing newborn in the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or not love in return. Love is a value that actualized through loving actions. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.